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* I saw this headline while surfing through websites today…
I Texted My Friend For Years After She Died. Then I Received A 5-Word Reply That Left Me Shaken.
“For the first time since my dear friend had died five years earlier, she’d written back.”
I’ve never texted a dead friend, but I cannot ever bring myself to delete their numbers from my phone.
* The Question: Do you delete phone contacts of friends who have died? Bonus question: Have you ever texted them? Explain either way, please.
posted by Rich Miller
Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 12:19 pm
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Yeah, I delete, and no I don’t text them.
Made my dad delete his voice mail message that was the voice of my deceased mother, who passed years before.
It’s not healthy. You’ve got to move on.
Comment by Flyin'Elvis'-Utah Chapter Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 12:25 pm
= Do you delete phone contacts of friends who have died? =
Eventually.
= Have you ever texted them? =
Not THEM, specifically, but next of kin sometimes use those phone lines to close affairs.
I do remember leaving a comment on the social media profile of a deceased friend many years after they passed. It was the anniversary of the tragic event and some of us honored the date by posting a memory.
Comment by Dirty Red Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 12:30 pm
My sister’s phone number is still in my favorites cell phone list. She’s been dead for two years, but gone for five due to Alzheimer’s. When I see her number, I am reminded that even the most well-fought battles are sometimes lost. For me it is a healthy reminder to live each day to the fullest and not to sweat the small stuff.
Comment by Observations Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 12:33 pm
I delete & never have texted (never will). Agree w/Flyin’Elvis’ - unhealthy, at least for me.
Comment by Interim Retiree Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 12:33 pm
No, for some reason I don’t. I think its because I think of them when I see their contacts in my phone.
Comment by Paddyrollingstone Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 12:34 pm
No. But from time to time, especially on his birthday, I’ll view my dad’s FB page. He died in 2012 and I kind of like that it’s still there.
Comment by 47th Ward Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 12:35 pm
Stephen King has a novela about this, “Mr. Harrigan’s Phone,” in his If it Bleeds collection. Nice and creepy.
To answer the question, i don’t think I have anyone my contacts list who has died.
Comment by Nick Name Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 12:36 pm
I delete deceased friends when I get around to it, but I leave my family members. Texting them would be rude, I’d rather talk to them.
Comment by Norseman Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 12:38 pm
Now you have me thinking about the onto-eschatological implications of texting. Sheesh.
Comment by Flapdoodle Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 12:53 pm
My Mom is still in my contacts. She didn’t have a cell so no, never texted her.
I have deleted others from my contacts who have passed away.
Comment by Because I Said So…. Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 12:59 pm
Fortunately, I’m just now getting to age where this is an issue. I have 3 friends in my phone right now who have passed. 2 just this year. I can’t say exactly why I haven’t deleted. It is nice every now and then to see their names and remember them.
Miss you guys - Dean Sweitzer, George Hovanec, and Bruce Simon
Comment by Hoping for Rational Thought Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 12:59 pm
I would never: Also, imagine if the cell number got transferred to a relative…that would be painful.
I never delete contacts, but that’s mainly out of laziness and not thinking about it.
Comment by NIU Grad Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 1:02 pm
I try to keep my contacts current, so after a reasonable time has passed for the information to possibly be needed, I delete it. And if I want to talk to a dead person, I just talk to them without a need to have my phone involved. Absolutely agree that people need to not leave dead folks recordings answering the phone. Bonus, I so wish people wouldn’t do social posts about heavenly birthdays of dead folks.
Comment by Excessively Rabid Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 1:09 pm
==Made my dad delete his voice mail message that was the voice of my deceased mother, who passed years before.==
To me, that was unnecessarily cruel. Perhaps it comforted the dad to hear his wife’s voice. People grieve on their own timetable. It’s not up to anyone else to decide it’s time to move on.
I have lost two friends in the last couple of years, and I cannot bring myself to delete the contact in my phone. I do not text them, though.
Comment by Teacher Lady Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 1:11 pm
My work buddy died in 2020 but he’s still in my favorites list on my phone. I haven’t called him and I assume by now his number has been reassigned. I emailed his work email once just out of curiosity and found out his account was no longer active. It makes me smile to see his name, and remember to live my life to the fullest now because tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone.
Comment by Mamacita Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 1:23 pm
I’m horrible at updating my phone contacts. Along with having a few friends who have passed, I still have contacts saved of people that I only met once or twice when in college and even of high school classmates I haven’t spoken to in decades.
Comment by Treefiddy Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 1:29 pm
I haven’t deleted them, but I may need to start doing that as apps will use information in the contacts to suggest that my friend or family member is now available for me to connect to on the new account tied to their phone number.
Comment by Candy Dogood Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 1:34 pm
Pat Botterman is still in my phone, and Claire Serdiuk, and my mom, so I guess the answer is Nope. I talk about them and many others to keep them alive for me, but not to them.
On the otherhand, I have deleted several people over the years who are not dead, but dead to me. More from social media than from my phone.
My experience is that the living tend to have a much more damaging grip on us than the departed, and it is from the living that we “need to move on.”
Comment by Yellow Dog Democrat Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 1:44 pm
I don’t know if it counts, but I still have an entry in my contacts labeled “G”. Blago’s cell phone back in the day. Haven’t called it in years, but I still haven’t deleted it.
Comment by Slugger O'Toole Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 1:50 pm
“It’s not up to anyone else to decide when to move on.”
When it’s been five years and the person has remarried, yeah, it’s up to someone else.
Comment by Flyin'Elvis'-Utah Chapter Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 1:50 pm
I don’t delete. I have texted. Usually on a birthday. I know that it’s not going anywhere but it makes me feel like I’m carrying on a tradition.
Comment by SouthSide Markie Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 1:51 pm
I just started deleting phone numbers about a year ago. I’ve hit that age where a lot of my contemporaries are dying, sometimes in waves. There was a situation that popped up and I instinctively thought to call a friend who would get a kick out of it. Then it hit me that I couldn’t, maybe harder than when he did die from COVID (2 months before the vaccines arrived). So, to sort of reduce grief, I now delete. Death is around a lot for me now.
Comment by levivotedforjudy Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 1:54 pm
Never have sent a text…don’t use a cell phone.
All of my friends live…forever young…in my heart.
Comment by Dotnonymous x Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 2:19 pm
What leaves me shaken is when I see their facebook birthdays pop up in my notifications.
Comment by Shytown Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 2:25 pm
My wife had or has a Facebook account she was always active when she was ill. I never had password so I guess she may still have it and if so I wonder what messages there are. And once I tried to have a phone thing for my in laws that would announce calls Evidently it announce person in bill so that person was dead but when his wife called it announced call From John Smith. I thought my in laws would die then. I said it is his wife not him
Comment by DuPage Saint Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 2:32 pm
If you can’t beat ‘em…quit ‘em…and join the other team…in weak desperation.
Comment by Dotnonymous x Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 2:33 pm
I do delete them, but not right away. It’s hard to delete someone you care about.
I don’t text them. Mostly because I’m not much for texting in general, but I probably wouldn’t anyway. It’s a bit creepy.
Comment by JoanP Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 2:42 pm
I don’t delete, but I don’t text them. I think about what I would say if I called them when I scroll through and see them, and I think that’s a nice way to visit with them.
Comment by Who else Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 2:45 pm
Never texted one, but simply can’t bring myself to deleted their number.
Comment by Give Me A Break Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 2:51 pm
- My experience is that the living tend to have a much more damaging grip on us than the departed, and it is from the living that we “need to move on.” -
Couldn’t agree more.
Comment by Dotnonymous x Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 3:03 pm
I have texted a deceased friend on special occasions. I just can’t bring myself to delete their numbers. When I see their numbers or name, I think of the good times and how much we cared for one another. Silly, but comforting.
Comment by Mister Ed Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 3:23 pm
I never delete them. I don’t text them, but I DO go back and read our previous texts. And listen to their voice mails.
Comment by 312 Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 3:25 pm
“I’ve never texted a dead friend, but I cannot ever bring myself to delete their numbers from my phone.”
Ditto.
Comment by New Day Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 3:32 pm
Back in 2015, The NY Times posted my letter to the editor, I can’t believe this hasn’t happened yet. Here is what I wrote: “I approach My Digital Cemetery Opinion writer James Walker’s dilemma from a different perspective. I live in fear that when my time comes, my husband and children will turn immediately to my bloated iPhone contacts to plan a memorial service. My suggestion for the limitless address book contacts we collect over the years, like life’s ephemera we lack the time, energy and/or desire to weed, is a check box in create contacts that simply states “Don’t Contact When I’m Dead.”
Comment by Zimmy Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 3:44 pm
I delete family and friends that have passed away but some are tough and take me a few years. I have texted, but never on purpose. Usually because I include them on a group and it’s easy to do because denial is a great coping mechanism.
Comment by Lurker Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 3:47 pm
So far I have deleted them, but not right away. How long it takes depends on who it is. My last friend who died stayed in my phone for at least a year — I took her out recently — and I kept her on as a moderator at one of my sites for a while, too.
I’ve never texted dead friends because I didn’t think of it, but I bet it could be therapeutic.
Comment by yinn Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 3:52 pm
I still have texts and voice mails from two friends who died the same year. every time I wipe something from my phone I’m double checking to make sure things from them are still there. still can’t believe they are gone.
Comment by Amalia Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 3:54 pm
after reading this, i had to check my contacts list.
I have deleted the folks who have passed.
Kinda wish, I hadn’t sometimes.
Comment by Bruce( no not him) Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 4:06 pm
I take the George Carlin approach. I leave you alone for three weeks, then delete you. If its digital, I put the contact in the recycle bin while I grieve, until I’m ready to purge it and delete them forever.
Comment by TheUpperRoom Friday, Nov 17, 23 @ 4:16 pm
I regularly texted my dead buddy goofy things he’d have found funny until his number was reassigned*. I apologized to the new owner of the number and sent them a copy of my buddy’s obituary. They replied very kindly.
I’ll never delete that number, tho.
– MrJM
*I highly recommend that family members transfer the cell numbers of deceased loved ones to a Google voice burner account rather than cast them back into the number pool. Unless your grief is best dealt with otherwise.
Comment by @misterjayem Sunday, Nov 19, 23 @ 11:17 am