* This help wanted ad at CareerBuilder for a new press secretary for Gov. Rod Blagojevich has been making the rounds…
Position Responsibilities:
* Build and maintain relationships with members of the press
* Act as a spokesperson, proactively pitching stories and developing/delivering reaction to reporters’ inquiries
* Collaborate with Governor’s press staff and agency press officers to generate ideas and develop media strategies
* OneMan adds these…
* The ability to keep tabs on Rich Miller
* Know how to look up synonyms for unrelated and coincidence.
* Finally the ability to say “He isn’t public official A” with a straight face
* Chicagoist chimes in…
* Must maintain working knowledge of all Elvis and Hank Williams songs
* Must be skilled with hair spray
* Must be able to “forget” things or “misplace” information
* Must be able to never, ever, mention the name “Rezko”
Your turn.
- Wumpus - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:01 am:
-Must be able to withstand the bright light from Abby Ottendorf’s smile (I know I spelled it wrong)
-fluent in Cubs’ history
- bi-partisan - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:10 am:
The top qualification is the ability to lie with a straight face.
- Dan S, a Voter & Cubs Fan - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:12 am:
Must be a compulsive liar and be able to sleep at night. Vivid imagination a plus.
- He Makes Ryan Look Like a Saint - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:13 am:
Must be able to run the 40 in 4.5 seconds in order to evade the press at the Governor’s Discretion
- Rich Miller - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:14 am:
Let’s try to keep it light. No more like bi-partisan and dan s’s comments.
- Speaking At Will - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:16 am:
Ability to handle the day to day rigors of Federal prison.
Ability to drive evasively to avoid Saint Louis Television reporters.
Must be experienced in detecting “bugs” “wires” and other under cover sound recording devices.
Must be able to register my father in laws guns on a yearly basis.
Must be willing to look for another job in the next 18 months.
- Anonymous Unum - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:18 am:
Must be able to zig, when reporters zag.
- archpundit - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:22 am:
Must be a skilled Division 1 Lineman to block the advancing press corps while the Governor makes his getaway.
- Ghost - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:23 am:
Must be skilled at child wrangling and placement of child shields
Must be able to instantly call any question about governemtn operations stupid whithout sounding stupid
- archpundit - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:24 am:
Special Skills Required: A degree in post-modern philosophy and the ability to apply it day-to-day situations such as when a bad audit is release, insist it’s just a difference of opinion.
- shhhh - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:28 am:
Must have a direct line for obtaining Hannah Montana tickets.
- wordslinger - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:29 am:
Wanted: Professional communicator with extremely thick skin plus selective vision, hearing and olfactory powers. Serve as spokesman for a testicularly virile, wavy-haired future occupant of White House or other federal domicile to be determined.
Applicant must have proven advanced abilities to:
Embrace cognitive dissonance.
Suspend disbelief.
Keep a straight face.
Feign interest.
Conceal contempt.
Endure merciless poundings.
Block.
Resist persistent urges to scream, kick, punch, bite, cry, go postal.
Refrain from using the word “hack” in any professional situation, no matter the provocation.
Explain what happened didn’t happen, and what didn’t happen did happen, and besides it wasn’t our fault. Whatever happened. Or didn’t.
Gas up the car.
Get out of town fast.
- Dan S, a Voter & Cubs Fan - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:30 am:
Very sorry Rich, I was simply suggesting skills the current press secretary seems use on a daily basis.
- Garp - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:34 am:
Must be Dennis Culloton
- Vote Quimby! - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:35 am:
Mandatory television experience (weather OK), ability to stay on message in the face of constant reporter questioning, belief in ability in General Assembly to lead our state by passing legislation for veto, prefer experience staging children in strategic locations. Position not to extend beyond January 2011.
- OneMan - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:36 am:
The ability to find back and/or kitchen exits.
- Amuzing Myself - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:40 am:
* Must be able to stand up straight and speak with a smile on any line from the 2002 election cycle while sustained artillery fire impacts close by.
* Disinterest in legislative oversight and general government administration a plus.
- Leigh - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 11:00 am:
Must have large vocabulary and ability to make up words that make no comment sound like a well thought out administration policy.
- Anon - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 11:01 am:
Shouldn’t that read:
“Corroborate with Governor’s staff and agency officers to generate ideas and develop media strategies” ?
- Hunterdon - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 11:07 am:
Must have the ability to control the spin, or direction, of an initiative, showing sides of it we want to show while not shedding light on the rest. Must have ability to exaggerate the most positive aspect of a negative.
- Shelbyville - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 11:12 am:
2.8 grade average in HS, required.
No need to know downstate IL.
- A Citizen - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 11:12 am:
Must be Sincere - successful candidate will be accomplished at convincingly faking sincerity.
- Anon from BB - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 11:41 am:
Must be able know how, where and who to go to to score Blackhawk’s tickets at a moments notice.
- Lori - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 12:13 pm:
Must have testicular virulity, and be able to put up with the boss with such.
- so-called "Austin Mayor" - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 12:15 pm:
Must be able to post pro-Blagojevich comments from multiple IP addresses.
– SCAM
so-called “Austin Mayor”
http://austinmayor.blogspot.com
- Good Luck - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 12:20 pm:
Must be able to say “corrupt” and “incompetent” when referring to everyone but the current corrupt and incompetent governor.
- Steve - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 1:10 pm:
Must know who Dan Stefanski is.
- hmmm - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 1:19 pm:
Must enjoy pontoon boat rides with Captain Miller.
Ability to smile at extremely angry reporters whose phone calls you didn’t return.
Must be able to enjoy adult beverages and Springfield nightlife with Miller and the rest of us.
Realization that he’s going to screw it up and you’re going to have to try and clean it up.
Ability to keep from putting your head in your hands when the boss says something stupid a plus.
- The 'Broken Heart' of Rogers Park - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 1:22 pm:
You mean they couldn’t locate a CareerWrecker website to place this ad in?
- Justice - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 1:32 pm:
Must think like Hillary!
- Princeville - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 1:49 pm:
Must be able to relocate to Southern Illinois, shop and pay taxes there to boost the lower state econ. and realize that this position may be of short duraton.
- City Voter - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 1:52 pm:
Must be willing to relocate, at least mentally, to an alternate reality.
- sparky - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 2:00 pm:
Pilot’s license required - multi engine certification preferred. Must be familiar with SPI to MDW flight plans.
- Muskrat - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 3:01 pm:
I’ve always liked this exceprt from “Cryptonomicon”:
…smart as Johann Karl Friedrich Gauss, savvy as a half-blind Calcutta bootblack, tough as General William Tecumseh Sherman, rich as the Queen of England, emotionally resilient as a Red Sox fan, and as generally able to take care of yourself as the average nuclear missile submarine commander
- VanillaMan - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 3:26 pm:
1.) Knows how to make a tastey chicken pie!
2.) Always have fresh, minty breath.
3.) Skillful with lint brushes.
4.) Knows twenty rhyming words for “Blagojevich”.
5.) Can click heels and shout out, “You’re tops in my book captain!”
6.) Must be able to inject loudly during gubernatorial speeches, “WOW! Did you hear that?” or “Say that again!” or “Cah-ching - You can take THAT to the bank!”
7.) Sell soul to Satan.
8.) Fluff pillows.
9.) Marry Edwina and Betty Mell; Patty’s bearded conjoined-twin cousins.
10.)Knows how to say, “I love you Boss!”, in Serbian.
- Northside Bunker - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 4:11 pm:
1. Short term gig. (Less than one year).
2. Get aquainted with federal prison system.
- Wacker Drive - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 4:15 pm:
1. Join me and you”ll do very well for yourself.
- Noname Nick - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 4:23 pm:
Must be able to tax and spend without the tax.
- ZC - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 5:33 pm:
No previous knowledge of Blagojevich adminstration, plausible deniability a plus
- David Walker - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 5:47 pm:
I would post something Rich, but you’d only delete it, so I won’t.
- jerry 101 - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 6:03 pm:
dana perino types preferred?
- Disgusted - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 6:44 pm:
Must have a large supply of Windex for mirror polishing, gold cleaner for the crown, a connection in the Middle East to keep airplane fuel flowing at cheap rates and a cloak of invisibility.
- One of the 35 - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 8:02 pm:
Must be familiar with Governor’s personnel handbook…..George Orwell’s 1984. (must be conversant in “newspeak”.
- gray wolf - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 8:47 pm:
all the best ones are posted!-perhaps a summary of the best of the is needed?
- Ahem - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 9:56 pm:
Mustn’t be too smart to apply for this job.
- tired - Wednesday, May 21, 08 @ 10:07 pm:
- be proud of his/her ACT score of 18, and the “C” in conlaw
- Truthful James - Thursday, May 22, 08 @ 6:38 am:
Muskrat –
Outstanding book — Great quote — One of his many, except for the last.